We just had two weeks of something we liked – how about we let some god damned nonsense bilge water ruin it? Hello folks, and welcome to HBR where we’re proud to tell this specific vodka company to go suck an ostrich egg because they basically did something as bad by giving us this.
You are going to read some words below from them, but before you do let us do a rebuttal. (Because that’s how these reviews are formatted – sorry). First yes back then 200 years ago the quality of ice and the glass DID matter because water quality was shite, and glass could be made from inferior production. But this is the modern age – we didn’t forget that ice matters in mixology, but nowadays it matters less. Your diatribe seems more in line with someone saying ‘no my vodka doesn’t suck, it’s because you put filtered water in an ice tray instead of chipping some shit from a glacier’ to which we say finally – piss the fuck off, and freeze that so you can put it in your drink.
What they Say: “What is the Ice Pik difference? 200 years ago, when ice first found its way into cocktails, bartenders were chipping ice to order. The quality of the ice was just as important as the quality of the spirit. Pride, passion, and craftsmanship also went into every cup. Ice Pik is a tribute to a mixology art form long since forgotten.”
Taste: 5.5 – We start off with a sort of grain like dimension, and a bit of sweetness, but overall relatively clean.
Aftertaste: 0.0 – It’s like taking an ice pick to the face in terms of flavor backlash. Holy Fuckton it’s not good.
Burn/Smooth: 1.0 – We’ve been running this game for on/off 7 years – so if you make us wince – bad news.
Aroma: 4.0 – That smells exactly like a shitty vodka does – which is actually not so bad. Because this is more common it might subjectively feel like a 2, but it really is closer to the median.
Honesty: 1.5 – As our resident scientist has said before and will again. – Just because you said you’ve distilled something 8 times doesn’t mean shit until you spec out your distillation columns. You ask us it took 8 tries just to get it to this sorry state. Also a tribute to ice? You know what else could do? NOT TASTE LIKE BILE. Add that to the basic New England short batch look, and fuck off.
Mixability: 2.5
Russian: 2.5 – That is not a good white Russian, it’s actively bad.
Screwdriver: 4.0 – It’s a subpar screwdriver that you need to really alter the ratio if you want to enjoy with your post-hangover brunch.
Tonic: 1.0 – That’s a bad V&T – you fucked up being added to tonic water. You think you belong in quality cocktails – you don’t deserve to be in frat house punch.
Value: 2.0 – Nope. No, we are sorry. While sure $15 is just a little on the pricey side of low tier vodka we would drink this if you paid us 15 dollars. There’s a saying that says – free always tastes the best, well meet the exception.
Google Shop Average: $15
Website: http://www.icepikvodka.com/
Reviewer Scores:
BuffaloJern: 0.5
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Metric Score: 16.5/70 |+| Metric Average: 2.36 |+| Reviewer Average: 0.5
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Final Thoughts: We are getting into the holidays now – this week is Thanksgiving already. I, however, am not Santa Claus, and there’s no present here. In fact, if I could whip coal at these people and tell them to distill and filter it again I would. If you ask what I’m thankful for – it’s the hope I personally via this website stop anyone from buying this.
If you think you have the right to bash a pretty good Vodka and try to ruin their business you are an asshole and if you think that spring fed lake ice doesn’t make a difference then you really are a dumb son of a bitch.
Love and kisses you dumb fuck.
Uhh yeah – pretty sure we have the right to bash stuff on our own fucken website dude.
But cool stuff, hope it goes well for you.