Listen, sometimes it’s another week for reviews, you’ve not done a gin in a bit so let’s grab some of that and it’s a plastic bottle. Now we inherently don’t have much issue with the bottle being plastic other than environmental concerns because as we know all too well – you can put some shit into a glass just as easy. Here though we have a big, very big problem.
This is toilet swill terrible, and we are about 99% sure it’s the worst thing on this site. (We’ll be updating our stats page over the winter break as usual). Honestly, we’re debating changing our mission statement too ‘if our pain and suffering can stop even 1 person from buying this – we’ve succeeded.’ We’ve had bad things, horrible things, but this – this is apocalyptically awful.
What they Say: “This established gin is made according to the original formula”
Taste: 1.0 – Juniper and nail polish. That is the main taste here, and lord above it’s meant to be scored as such.
Aftertaste: 1.0 – It’s really just more of the same.
Burn/Smooth: 0.5 – It burns like a bad gin, and there’s a second wave of almost charcoal in the nostrils after the burn stops – burning you all over again. It’s horrendous.
Aroma: 1.0 – That is low tier gin all around. It reminds us of the infamous Black Watch Gin. But just imagine juniper and death and that’s spot on.
Honesty: 2.5 – CHANGE THE FUCKEN FORMULA. CHANGE ANYTHING. Please, this is a cry for help. We know this was bought out by some distillery that is just reselling it for their profit but DO SOMETHING. What we got was in green and plastic and while there are no crimes on design or text we’d be remiss to say there’s none in following this formula.
Mixability: 1.75
Gin and Tonic: 3.5 – There are actually worse G&T’s in the world. Oh, sure this isn’t good, in fact, it’s likely meant to be worse scoring, but overall it’s the best thing we’ve seen here.
Martini: 0.0 – That is not only the worst martini ever to exist on this site, but we also wager it might be the worst in existence. We didn’t expect much going in but knew it deserved what it would earn, and that was nothing.
Value: 0.5 – We’ve been racking our brains to figure out a worse usage of 8 dollars that isn’t a bet, but a real thing you can buy in a store. This led us to looking up the average cost of bleach of which this barely edges out that half-point over.
Google Shop Average: $8
Website: https://heavenhilldistillery.com/
Reviewer Scores:
BuffaloJern: 0.0 (not a typo)
Want to compare this spirit against our archives? Visit our statistics page.
Metric Score: 7.25/70 |+| Metric Average: 1.04 |+| Reviewer Average: 0.0
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Final Thoughts: Our policy has always been to do the review in two parts, the bulk of the review at once, and then a sort of mini-followup prior to editing. This means that this liquid was consumed again about 5 minutes before writing this bit here – and if we have any regrets about what we do it here – it was certainly 5 minutes ago.
