Hear ye, hear ye! Come and listen to me ye landlubbers…for I have a tale loaded with lust, liquor, and laceration. As the lot of you know from our other letters on this fancy internet thing our motley crew of me first mates Justice, The Buffalo, and Bard_LvL and I, The Empowered El Cap-i-tan William the Fourth, have written about various types of grog that we have stumbled across through our trips on the high seas and have given our two pence on what we thought of it. As we were traveling, we went on land and my crew went to pillage and gain the company of a lady. As they went into town I tended my ship just off the coast. As I came off the ship I heard the rattling of glass from below me in the ocean. I looked down and saw the gleaming of a bottle. I saw it was empty…but it looked as if it had a note in it. I picked it up and this is what I saw:
Category: Spirits
Gran Centenario Tenampa Azul Reposado Tequila 750mL
Sadly our Mexican reviewer has gone mysteriously missing (something about Immigration officers and the sex offender’s list), leaving me the Buffalo to review this tequila. I’m not sure how I feel about this since most tequila’s just bring back memories of excessive vomiting. I always thought rum was a better way to not have memories. Nonetheless we have here a very – well it’s not very anything actually – besides being very middle of the line.
Johnnie Walker Black Label Scotch 750mL
Hello we’re back to regular reviews again, this time with something related to a review we posted a few weeks ago. It’s the Johnnie Walker name, but this time to complete your drunken bruises we’ve got the black to go with the blue. While this can’t measure up to his bigger brother by any means, it’s still a very good scotch and worth my time and yours.
Johnnie Walker Blue Label Scotch 750mL
Hello and welcome to a particularly momentous edition of booze reviews. I am the man called Justice, and I am happy. On our final night together at college we decided to celebrate by purchasing what I would venture to call the King of Blended Scotches: Johnnie Walker Blue Label. Now up until this point I was the only one who’d tried this scotch previously, so this time I was determined to put on my most critical booze reviews face and make certain that I didn’t give it any breaks.
E & J VSOP Brandy Superior Reserve 750mL
Stop. Have you read Justice’s review of the XO E&J Brandy? If not then you should as this one is going to be kind of a continuation. I will give you time to do it now. Read it here. I am waiting…go read it. Done? Read it? Know a little more about brandies? Understand still that these reviews are done by the man called Justice, BuffaloJern, DJ_LvL and me, with my body booze free for the first time in a long time as I am trying to get fit, William Henri Neve IV? Good. Now that you know that and read about a mediocre to bad brandy…let me talk and walk you through an atrocious brandy.
E & J XO Extra Smooth Brandy 750mL
Gross. Okay well I’m done…okay so not really.
Hello and welcome to another week of Booze reviews! I am the man called Justice, and I suffer through cheap brandy so you won’t have to. This week we looked at two tiers of brandy from the same maker. I will be walking you through E & J XO Extra Smooth Brandy, while my associate William Henri Neve IV will be taking you through their VSOP brandy, next week. You really better thank us for this…
Bakon Vodka 750mL
Hello and welcome to meat reviews. This week, like every week we review bacon. Because bacon is meat, and it’s bacon. So this week we went to the liquor store. Bacon was on sale. SO we bought all of it. Then we made vodka. Then we combined them. Then a friend of ours brought us this magnificent bastard. Then the world seceded from the universe.
Gentlemen Jack 750mL
Why hello there, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another fine reading of our aptly named Booze Reviews. I am your writer, with kung fu grip, smoking jacket, and fez sold separately: William Henri Neve The Fourth. Right now I find myself relaxed, happy, and with a taste in my mouth that is familiar and yet – rings truer to my taste buds than its triumphant popular cousin. This week there was a sale at the local liquor store and my heart skipped a beat as Gentleman Jack was on sale and was the same price as Jack Daniels Black Label.
Skyy Vodka 750mL
Gentleman this is vodka.
Wait no, wrong intro. Unfortunately it’s not Ketel One again this week. Its Skyy Vodka…no, stop! Don’t go! Tonight on booze reviews: a bear brings by some vodka and mauls some mixed drinks! Not only that, a surprise ending, Skyy vodka is actually pretty good! Oh, whoops, looks like I gave away the whole review in the tag line. I’m going somewhere with this I swear…let’s start over.
Gordon’s London Dry Gin 750mL
When you hear Gordon’s you think of one name, James Bond, with the famous words “Shaken, not stirred.” What most people don’t get is that James Bond’s martini’s use vodka, and shaking gin for a martini is the worst thing you could do to it. Now we’re not here this week to judge James Bond’s iconic-ly known vodka (though it’s not that great). No we are here to review Gordon’s Gin, a gin that was my (The Buffalo’s) first foray into gin. Which ended with me almost nearly being turned off to gin forever.
