Stop. Have you read Justice’s review of the XO E&J Brandy? If not then you should as this one is going to be kind of a continuation. I will give you time to do it now. Read it here. I am waiting…go read it. Done? Read it? Know a little more about brandies? Understand still that these reviews are done by the man called Justice, BuffaloJern, DJ_LvL and me, with my body booze free for the first time in a long time as I am trying to get fit, William Henri Neve IV? Good. Now that you know that and read about a mediocre to bad brandy…let me talk and walk you through an atrocious brandy.
To reiterate, for those that were too lazy to read the other review first, the tiers of brandy are V.S. (Very Special), V.S.O.P. (Very Special Old Pale), and X.O. (Extra Old). There are other tiers that go above that, but those tiers differ between distillers; whereas these 3 are standardized. These tiers tell how aged the brandy is: going from 2 years to 4 years to 6-20 years respectively between the three tiers above. So, by these standards, XO should be the best and VSOP should be the next best. Let us just say that is true…if that is so…I will NEVER try VS. NEVER. Where XO had redeeming qualities…VSOP, as you will see, could not redeem itself from the pit it ends up digging itself into.
But that is just what I say…what do you have to say brandy?
What they say: “Fine brandy. Original rare blend. Mellowed in aged oak. Barrel select. Pressed from fine varietal grapes, E&J VSOP is distilled to concentrate the most desirable flavors. VSOP is charcoal filtered to create a most rich, rare and remarkable brandy, and mellowed in selected American White Oak casks to highlight the delicate grape flavors. The E&J VSOP brandy master chooses only the smoothest and richest flavored of these special casks for this blend. The result is an exceptionally smooth, complex, and aromatic brandy. Experience the excellence of E&J VSOP. Alc. 40% by vol. 80 Proof.”
In my opinion everything they said up there was a lie, and should be construed as false advertising. This brandy fills me with hate. Sure it could be more that I spent money on it and stuff, but that would be me being bitter (note: I am bitter). Know what else is bitter? This brandy! HIYOO! Oh wait…no…it is just fucking terrible. Do you want to know why? Then read below, and if you work at E&J…I right now am going to ask for my money back. On top of that I challenge you to drink your brandy, and like it. I dare you to say – to our faces, what is good about your brandy. But I digress, and I will stop there before I challenge the president of E&J to a boxing match. Here are the scores. And it deserved every one of them.
Taste: 2.58 – When I took a sip I thought we got a bad batch of brandy…which is VERY POSSIBLE still as it was god awful. Again if you are from E&J and disagree then send me a brand new bottle of THIS brandy for free, and if it is different from what it was (but is still proven to be the same 4 year aged brandy) I will pay you double for the bottle. But I doubt that will happen since this cough syrup like awful taste is a disgrace to all brandies. This really doesn’t have a nice taste; it’s not offensive but it’s also bland and disappointing. Tastes like grape robitussin mixed in to make grape drank.
Aftertaste: 4.25 – The aftertaste actually has flavor, and it’s not bad, but not good either. Not well liked. Not much else to say.
Burn/Smooth: 2 – There is quite a surprising amount of burn for something called extra smooth. This is like heartburn and now I need an antacid. With the flavor and burn combined I cried…
Aroma: 1 – Bit of offensive…much like ethanol. Much like someone took a tiny bit Brandy and put it in a glass and then added a lot of ethanol…a lot of ethanol. Ow…my frontal lobe.
Manliness: 1.5 – See, the bottle looks ok…but then we looked it up and found this little tidbit: from the makers of Barefoot wine. Barefoot wine is pretty much the poor WOMAN’S last resort for wine. It is god awful and it is something that is so anti-manly that it does not deserve to be in our review. Also… THERE IS SO MUCH WANK ON THE BOTTLE AND NONE OF IT FITS. That is ALWAYS a negative to being a man when you say something you cannot back up. The only reason this got points was that we like the bottle, cork and coloring is nice. However the off-center sticker on our bottle portrays how much this isn’t professional or well made at all.
Sidecar: 5.5 – More tart. Less sweet/fruit taste.
Brantini: 3.58 – Not a fan, but most of us felt it tasted like a standard martini.
Brandy Sour: 6.08 – Tastes kind of like grapefruit. Not bad. Nice and tart, and in this case a sour is meant to do that.
Value: 2.92 – No. Don’t care how low the price is. No.
Google Shop Average: $12
William Henri Neve the IV: 2.5
The Bear: 2.5
Huanlai: 1 (Note Huanlai is the one among us most experienced with Brandies/Cognac)
Metric Score: 19.3/70 |+| Metric Average: 2.75 |+| Reviewer Average: 2.25
“Gross, very unappealing on its own.” “Should make a good cooking wine.” “When a liquor scores lower than Gordon’s you know you have a problem.”
My comrades said that stuff above, and I can tell you it makes a fairly good cooking wine…but it cost me 12 bucks…that is not ok. This is just an unacceptable thing to have in existence. I would suggest never buying this…but if you want to prove us wrong then I will gladly welcome you to do so as we could very legitimately gotten a bad batch…but I doubt it…and I regret nothing we have said here. This is an awful brandy and E&J should be ashamed that they even put this out on a shelf. Do not buy this unless you hate yourself. This is so bad that if you gave this to a wino lying on the street…he would spit at you and give you Hepatitis-B. That is right…this brandy could possibly give you Hepatitis-B (Note: this is a rage corner and is not meant to be slander…just a funny way to express our opinions).
Editor’s Note: This is literally the worst thing we’ve reviewed so far, and while William’s comments are bitter we are serious. If you’ve had this brandy, and you thought it was much better than this, and that we’ve gotten a bad batch – send it to us, and we’ll re-review it. Otherwise the score stands. Normally with our methods we gamble on things we get, and are genuinely surprised with what we end up with. On the other side we get this though – swill water. This is so bad it was the worst of more than seven categories in our award show, and was voted our Most Hated.
It has been written, so it must be. Science has proven it.
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