Alright new year, and it’s sure to be a whole heap better than before [this claim is disputed]. We’ll start with a vodka that claims to be the ‘ultimate’, and it’s already gone to nail polish remover in a bucket. We have a decent backlog going and literally picked at random what the first of the year would be, and of course it’s an overselling, overpriced, piece of shit vodka – because while we paused reviews for a while – nothing every actually changes.
We know exactly why this exists and where it lives. (Hopefully not in your home), but it’s for bars who want something that isn’t actually top shelf, or a bit pricier with the brand name that people more commonly recognize (your Ciroc, and Grey Gooses), but want to seriously charge for a high-shelf, and leave you wondering why you’d ever do that, or worse deluded into thinking it’s good after quite a few other drinks. It’s not.
What they Say: “Distilled from Grains and Potato. Imported by the Patron spirits company Las Vegas, NV 89118 USA”
Taste: 3.0 – There’s not much of a taste, but what’s there is pretty awful.
Aftertaste: 3.5 – There is in fairness, creaminess there. However, the burn makes this apocalyptic to drink.
Burn/Smooth: 2.0 – That is the kind of burn where you have to stop the review and make sure you are recording the results of the burn because it’s so bad.
Aroma: 1.0 – Hello and you’re listening to NPR (Nail Polish Remover).
Honesty: 2.5 – They say almost nothing. The bottle itself screams of Eurotrash. The name also harkens to a massive pile of bullshit. Overall there are no points gained, and a few lost, but not a bunch from some wanky literature. It could have been worse if they decided to say literally anything more.
Mixability: 3.0
Vodka Tonic: 2.5 – It’s horrible. That’s really all there is to say.
White Russian: 3.5 – It makes an okay, but still sort of awful White Russian. Like, it’s bad, but it’s also really bad.
Value: 0.5 – If this was an entire twenty dollars cheaper – we still wouldn’t recommend it. Fuck this vodka.
Google Shop Average: $29
Website: https://www.ultimatvodka.com/
Reviewer Scores:
BuffaloJern: 1.0
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Metric Score: 15.5/70 |+| Metric Average: 2.21 |+| Reviewer Average: 1.0
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Final Thoughts: This was originally reviewed (scores/notes, but no editing/copy) around April, and if you’re looking for the ‘ultimate’ sin – it still rings a bell as one of the shittier things tried last year. If you’ve come all this way wondering and debating – please let us be as clear as possible. Not only should you never buy this, you should go out of your way to tell people to never buy this.
