Its Vodka week again in booze reviews, and I am the man called Justice and this week I’ll be revealing to you a vodka that turned out to be all balls and no shaft: Effen Vodka (aka Effenol). This hilariously named vodka was provided to use by our guest reviewer this week Jesse, aka “the sweatta vest”. Throw it back and grit your teeth, Effenol is coming your way.
The booze reviewers are no strangers to vodka, DJ Lvl is a huge fan of good imported Russian vodkas, we know a good vodka needs to go down almost like water and mix seamlessly into the drinks made from it. Effenol is not one of those vodkas. Now the back of the bottle spouts the usual lines about how it’s distilled, how it’s got a lot of history, it even goes as far as saying it is distilled with “Perfect Water”. However where many types of vodka that place that kind of bull on the backs of their bottles can back it up, at least to an extent, Effenol falls very, very short of its own standards. This stuff went down a bit rough and then turned to a fireball in your esophagus. Needless to say there were a lot of groans and gritted teeth around the table.
Now the taste didn’t quite seal the coffin for this vodka, the other metrics generously provided another chance for it to redeem itself. However, Effen Vodka squandered these opportunities just as it did the golden opportunity of its own name. Saying this Vodka isn’t manly is an enormous understatement. This despite having a strong burn and a name that really should give it manly points it squanders them with its hipster look and translated name (Effen is “plain” or “smooth” in Dutch). So without further adieu let’s hear what the metric said about this vodka:
What they say: “Expertly distilled from wheat grain and perfect water. Import from Holland. Effen Vodka.” (Experts they are not.)
Taste: 6 – Honestly the taste was one of the most appealing parts of this vodka, which doesn’t say much cause the taste was only slightly above average. It can be pretty much summed up with: “Found the vodka, which was good and then the ethanol came.”
Aftertaste: 2.2 – This is one of the many places where this vodka shoots itself in the foot. The initial taste isn’t terrible, but then you wait a few seconds and you are suffering through an effenol burn like nothing you ever want to experience. I was the only one to find relief in this after taste since an hour before this review happened I ate a double down (a decision I still regret), this vodka dissolved it.
Burn/Smooth: 5.6 – Surprisingly, despite what was said above the actual burn of the vodka came out slightly above average. It is nowhere near the ideal water-vodka taste, but it doesn’t go down as hard as other vodkas like Gordon’s or Smirnoff.
Aroma: 2.7 – “Paint thinner, with an ode of nail polish and acetone. Not pleasant.”
Manliness: 3.2 – It’s dutch it’s gay. With that established we also felt somewhat cheated in this category since this was named “Effen Vodka” it should have been shaped like a middle finger and had some sort of bad ass look to it. Unfortunately Effen is merely a Dutch word for smooth and so this vodka once again, shoots itself in the foot.
Mixability: 6.49 – It mixes like mid-tier vodka, that pretty much says it all, there are certain things it does better than other, but all in all it’s a decent mixer.
Voddy (Vodka Tonic): 5.1 – Vodka still shines through in aftertaste and as I already said, the aftertaste destroys any appeal this vodka had.
Russian: 6.5 – I don’t taste it, and it’s quite good. Solid drink.
Screwdriver: 7.875 – I enjoy orange juice, which is what that is.
Value: 3.7 – This is the kind of price you would expect to pay for a mid-high shelf vodka…this is not a mid-high shelf vodka, on its best day it’s a low-mid shelf vodka. Its value lies in the novelty of the name and the slight appeal in mixability. However, at the end of the day, for that money there are much better vodkas out there.
Google Shop Average $27
William Henri Neve IV: 3.5
The Sweatta Vest: 4
DJ Lvl: 3.5
Metric Overall: 29.89/70 Metric Average: 4.27 Reviewer Average: 3.9
Would look great behind a bar, but that’s where it stays. This vodka should be wearing skinny jeans. It was given every opportunity to shine but in the end it failed at almost every turn. Should you ever find yourself in a liquor store holding this vodka, considering buying it do the following: place the vodka back on the shelf, slap yourself across the face, and get some better vodka for the same price.
Editor’s Note: Oddly this is one of our more popular booze reviews, so allow me to say this: GO get a better vodka. Unsure what you should get? Click the vodka tag, because what you have here is just awful.