We often get to say this because our brand is honesty and we give -Infinity fucks what spirit makers or marketers want people to say about their products – so Fuck This Rum. We’ll mention below this might get a slight second wind with eggnog, but if that’s all your rum has to live by? Fuck you.
It’s cathartic to say, but again that’s the point of our reviewing mantra and site. We aren’t here to mince words and talk of notes of cinnamon. This shit tastes like someone threw Christmas spices into overdrive and and couldn’t even be bothered to run their swill through a goddamn strainer instead passing these spices onto you with a minor text warning.
Here’s the thing – at least when you buy Orange Juice it makes it clear the amount of pulp in it – no one should have to worry about that with a fucken rum.
What they Say: “Front: 4 Year Oak-Aged West Indies Rum with Spices, Bourbon Vanllia Extract & Natural Flavours.
Back: Because we use genuine spices to flavour The Lash, you may occasionally see some spices in the bottle.”
Taste: 5.0 – It starts off like your normal spiced with a bit of nutmeg rum. However the aftertaste…
Aftertaste: 2.0 – That tastes like the below mentioned in aroma “Christmas Tree Shops” in the worst fucken way possible. Doing a shot of this is like licking nutmeg and pumpkin spice off of santa’s ballsack.
Burn/Smooth: 2.5 – The reason this doesn’t go down smooth is the same reason chugging reindeer semen wouldn’t be smooth. Sure it doesn’t burn from alcohol, but the taste of Christmas when so blatant can make you gag.
Aroma: 7.0 – That smells like fall. Not pumpkin-y or too nutmeg-y. Just a nice blend of a bunch of spices. Not to cheapen it, but it smells like the entrance to a Christmas Tree Shops at the right time of the year.
Manliness: 4.5 – Having particles in your spirit isn’t manly. A worm or a scorpion? Sure. but fucken nutmeg? Also the bottle is near bog-standard for spirits these days, and they do nothing to offset their vibes. The whip also makes 0 fucken sense. Bah, humbug.
W/ Rocks: 1.0 – Want to make this rum worse – take it cold instead of hot.
Rum and Coke: 6.5 – Okay. So it’s not apocalyptic like the above. That being said this is less ‘improved the rum’ and more ‘ruined some coke’
Editor’s Note: We’ll hold onto this to mix with Eggnog later in the year and see how it does.
Value: 2.0 – As you can tell, 30 dollars of the lounge’s money went into this. Now we will hold onto this rum (because ho boy not good) until the winter rolls around. Hopefully this fucken kills in eggnog, because at this point it is actively not worth half of the price.
Google Shop Average: $30
Metric Score: 26.75/70 |+| Metric Average: 3.82 |+| Reviewer Average: 2.0
Final Thoughts: Again we reserve the right to update this once eggnog and other holiday mulled drinks are in season. As it stands though here in mid-july? FUCKEN NO. Listen we always say that despite what we do here there are 2 reasons you drink. 1. Because you enjoy it, and 2. To get drunk. We strive to inform you of the first, and tell you how to choose better for the 2nd. In that regard – go pound grain alcohol before you even touch this.