Hear ye, hear ye! Come and listen to me ye landlubbers…for I have a tale loaded with lust, liquor, and laceration. As the lot of you know from our other letters on this fancy internet thing our motley crew of me first mates Justice, The Buffalo, and Bard_LvL and I, The Empowered El Cap-i-tan William the Fourth, have written about various types of grog that we have stumbled across through our trips on the high seas and have given our two pence on what we thought of it. As we were traveling, we went on land and my crew went to pillage and gain the company of a lady. As they went into town I tended my ship just off the coast. As I came off the ship I heard the rattling of glass from below me in the ocean. I looked down and saw the gleaming of a bottle. I saw it was empty…but it looked as if it had a note in it. I picked it up and this is what I saw:
At the beginning I resembled:
Soon after I resembled:
Presently I resemble:
A creature I had only heard of in legend. I opened the bottle, that mysteriously filled with a black liquid, and smelled the contents. Rum. Delicious rum! I took a swig and I smiled and coughed. This was vicious and perfect rum! I thought I was dreaming so I went out to seek a female. I found one that had acquiesced to my requests for the sins of the flesh before when I came inland for a spell. I shared the rum with her and she and I once again copulated and the experience was thrilling. This rum had gotten me a woman…so I set out to show my crew the treasure I had found. We shared it and spoke about the viciousness of it. We read the bottle and we knew we had found booty worthy of praise.
What they say: “Imported The Kraken (lat: Acchitenthis dux) The Kraken is imported rum from the Carribean blended with natural flavor. Named for a sea beast of myth and legend, The Kraken Rum is strong, rich, black, and smooth.”
Taste: 7.17 – Reminds us of Goslings which is a good thing. Very potent taste, but with a sweetness. All of us though really enjoyed it.
Aftertaste: 7.5 – Again very nice and potent, we also got some flavoring of coconut, which William liked, and the Buffalo really didn’t.
Burn/Smooth: 5.33 – This does burn, it’s a powerful rum and the sweetness hides some it, but like Goslings because it’s running a little hot at 94 proof you can tell.
Aroma: 7.17 – God we love the smell of spiced rum, though this time the smell does the rum justice.
Manliness: 8.33 – Everything about this is very manly, our only detractor was the metal cap (which are notorious for being bad) and the fact that it relies a little bit too much on the Kraken mythos. However the jet black color, the handles on the bottle, the label text, and the lettering on the bottle all pull together quite nicely.
w/ Throwback Pepsi: 6 – We all really liked this; however the rum was hidden slightly in the very sweet pepsi.
Buffalo Note: Tried it with Coke, it does much better here.
Value: 7.67 – At that price, this is a great buy. If you’re looking for a dark rum that’s not overproof this is where it’s at.
Google Shop Average: $19
William Henri Neve the IV: 8
Metric Score: 49.17/70 |+| Metric Average: 7.02 |+| Reviewer Average: 7.5
Our crew was pleased and I was the most happy of the lot. This grog is something that is much like the Kraken itself. It is harsh and vicious but if you can handle it you can reap the rewards that it offers. If ye think you can handle a beast of this variety then drink up, me hearties.
Twas scrawled on partchment, so it be true. Book learnin has shown it!