What a stupid fucken concept. Drat, we’ve made the premise clear too early once again. It’s some rum, they smoke it for some reason? It has this child’s idea of being a stolen spirit. Oh right, and another thing – it tastes like shit. Double drat – well let’s get into it.
Anyone who puts a twitter handle and hashtag on a bottle should be fired. We’ll allow a website, and we’ll allow this on some little pamphlet or what have you, but on a label – get the fuck out of here. No one gives a shit about where your coffee, wood, or vanilla comes from either.
What they Say: “This is Stolen: Caribbean rum infused with premium natural ingredients appropriated from around the world – the artisan way. Smoked American hardwood and Moroccan fenugreek are balanced by Arabica Columbian coffee and Madagascan vanilla. The result is a coffee aroma on the nose with a smooth smoke finish. Best served neat or in any rum, rye, or bourbon cocktail. Enjoy Responsibly. Drink like it’s Stolen. ”
Taste: 5.0 – It starts off a little sweet, a little caramel, and relatively tastes like a spiced rum.
Aftertaste: 1.0 – Then it’s like someone throws a burning log of mesquite wood at your fucken face. This is horrendous.
Burn/Smooth: 1.5 – While more smoke than fire, this is in no way smooth.
Aroma: 3.0 – Like rum and lemon-scented floor cleaner. (not our favourite combo). Trust u the citrus here doesn’t feel fresh or pleasant, but clinical.
Honesty: 1.5 – Smooth finish, coffee, and the weird stolen imagery – this is without a doubt a massive lie. No part of this is honest to any ‘stolen’ mentality, and the taste itself might as well be the coal in your stocking from Santa Claus.
Mixability: 4.5
W/ Rocks: 2.5 – That just blends the two tastes together and because of that the result is nowhere near pleasant.
Rum and Coke: 6.5 – Like a balm the coke saves us. It makes the bit of smoke an element, but overall finally makes this palatable.
Value: 3.0 – Call it smoked all you want, have all the aesthetic you need. This isn’t worth 22 of your dollars and that’s the only metric we care about here.
Google Shop Average: $22
Website: https://www.thisisstolen.com/
Reviewer Scores:
BuffaloJern: 2.0
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Metric Score: 19.5/70 |+| Metric Average: 2.79 |+| Reviewer Average: 2.0
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Final Thoughts: Fuck this rum. That’s the concluding thoughts, and having written many words above, it’s fair to say we should have just gone with that.
