Oh-boy. It’s been a while since we last had a truly terrible no-good piece-o-shit vodka review. Yes folks we once again won’t even give this quarter before the fold, because if you Google this vodka we want our site to instantly tell you what you have gotten yourself into – or hopefully avoid such a fate.

This was actually a surprise for us – no really. What with how good Skyy actually is (despite Eurotrash trappings), and how Smirnoff is actually just mildly subpar – maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. But it is. It’s saving grace is making the par for mixers, which is likely only true because at a bar it really is the par.

 

What they Say: “I am Stolichnaya. My origins are in the fertile region of Tambov, where my own wheat farms surround my state-of-the-art distillery, Talvis. Here, my certified alpha grade spirit – the finest reference of purity and quality – is distilled just three times to preserve my gentle grainy character. My spirit then travels to the historic Latvijas Balzams in Riga, where I become vodka. Just four filtrations through quartz sand and birch wood charcoal are all that is needed to acquire my unsurpassed smoothness. Tonight I am here. Certified alpha grade. 100% grain neutral spirits. 40% alc/vol (80 proof). Proudly produced and bottled at the historic Latvijas Balzams, A. Caka 160, Riga, LV-1012, Latvia.”

 

Taste: 3.0 – It’s like it tried to hit the notes of a creamy vodka, a clean vodka, and a rotgut vodka at the same time. Failing at being any of them, but still being terrible.

Aftertaste: 2.0 – That is just not good, by any measure of the word by which Webster’s Dictionary defines: “of a favorable character or tendency”.

Burn/Smooth: 1.0 – The phrase ‘oh god, oh god, oh sweet maple syrup covered jesus’ was said. This may not be the fire gut of 151 Bacardi, but damn.

Aroma: 3.0 – So there’s a bit of creaminess, but no. It would be a lie to you dear reader if it was not properly explained this smells like floor cleaner.

Manliness: 2.0 – That text reads like the Smirnoff of Latvia. Which to be honest at this point with so other littler interaction with Latvia – fuck Latvia. Your vodka is garbage, and until proven otherwise let’s assume your entire country is too.

Mixability: 4.75

Vodka Tonic: 4.5 – It’s an overall okay vodka tonic. Nothing to write home about, not as terrible as neat.

Screwdriver: 5.0 – That is spot on what a screwdriver is in it’s own middling state. There is nothing good or bad, merely what is.

Value: 2.0 – I was willing to recommend this as a cheap mixer, but the price sadly was double what I was expecting. At this price it’s a no-brainer to skip this.

Google Shop Average: $20

Website: http://stoli.com/

 

Reviewer Scores:

BuffaloJern: 2.0

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Metric Score: 17.75/70 |+| Metric Average: 2.54 |+| Reviewer Average: 2.0

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Final Thoughts: We urge you to do 2 things dear readers.

  1. Never buy this or any of it’s wacky flavors. Let them die.
  2. If you are in a bar and Stoli is what they are making your cocktails with – spend the extra 2 bucks – get something decent.
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